Written By: Ritarilla Barick Yusuf
Dear young women,
I think a lot of women, sometimes are unconsciously driven towards adopting unhealthy concepts of masculinity, which I think needs redefining.
Have you ever met a guy, who is a little bit soft spoken, maybe a little bit shy, maybe emotionally expressive, never speaks aggressively, apologizes first, never says no, but somehow in your mind think, nah, this is too much gesture to be real, he is not the one? This quite frankly happens a lot.
But what I’ve learned recently is, women are not entirely awful for having these opinions. Because over time, these are traits that the world does not associate with masculinity.
When you look at modern day media, when you look at entertainment, the guys we see on our screen with bad qualities are portrayed to be the stronger type of men, the confident ones, quite sexy, quite alluring, and daring. And the inevitable impact of this is, when we meet a guy who isn’t too sweet, not honest with their feelings, a little bit aggressive, and dismissive, we find these traits masculine, and are more likely be attracted.
However, this is quite damaging. Because positive traits are not feminine, it is been human. It is normal to be kind, to be compassionate, to want to listen, and express your emotions. And it does not make a man less of a man simply for been possessive of those traits. Positive qualities, and kindness isn’t a gender thing. It’s a matter of personality, and very masculine.
And that’s why toxic masculinity is a mainstream, because a lot of men hide the sweeter part of themselves, the vulnerable parts, they concealed those goods attribute, because they feel they are lesser of men if they are vulnerable with women, family, and the society.
This is why I think, masculinity needs redefining. Especially for us women. And this is something you must do by yourself, and for yourself. Disassociate yourself from the mentality of seeing the ability to be kind, affectionate and devoting, feminine. Because it will help you settle for the things you truly deserve. Because that notion, of real men are the hard ones, is hurting a lot of us in our relationships.
There is a fundamental cause of this too, men. Especially our fathers. Male parents, you need to cultivate positive energy towards your wife’s and families, so that your daughters don’t grow up settling for your type of love thinking it is the standard.
A lot of women struggle with parental approval, especially, fathers’ approval, and that sort of affects their romantic selection, when it comes to marriage and relationship. Your personality affects them negatively, because you not being present in their life makes them uncomfortable, when they meet a guy who is always there. They find it hard to navigate around that type of love, because that’s not what they are used to. As unbelievable this may sound, it happens to a lot of women.
I grew up in a community where, if a man shows too much care and affection to his wife and children, the woman is more likely to get a backlash of being fetish and using witchcraft. And this happens all the time. Some even from our parents.
And the sad thing about this toxic behavior is, we are so comfortable in it.
Another thing I think women need to unlearn is, valuing intensity over intimacy. We women most of the time have mistaken excitements, passion, and thrill over love. It is not necessarily practicable to see and feel butterflies in your stomach every day in a relationship. In fact, that roller coaster isn’t good for us. What we need is calm, peace, consistency, commitment and loyalty.
Let me give you a scenario of how roller coaster of intensity can be so manipulative in a relationship. A guy cheats on you, gets on his knees, with snort all over his face, and flowers crying saying don’t leave me, I can’t do well without you, bla bla, it gets so intense that we think oh oboi, this guy truly loves. And it keeps happening over and over again. And we don’t recognize it.
I have been yanked out of my fantasies, and I am facing reality up high. I know the things I truly deserve.
I know the things I want to experience.
I know the levels I need to get.
I know the energy I do not desire.
And if you aren’t vulnerable, don’t you dare come near me.
We need to redefine our values, prioritize our happiness, conquer our fears, overcome our insecurities, accept our imperfection, commit to our growth, and settle for the things that ultimately complete us, and nothing less.
Have a beautiful day…
By: Ritarilla Barick Yusuf